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calm

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I'm not street but I do what I got to do.
So what you got a crew?!
I got a crew too.
-Cobra Starship

They are my latest obsession. I need to see them live in my life. I want to dance and rock out at the same time when listening to them.

So. Adam.

Yep. He is my date for Ashley's wedding and coming up here to see me hopefully?!

I heart that boy like whoa.

And he even said Yes to us road tripping to the mitten for a night so he can meet my bfffffff.

Back to downloading some more cobra starship so I can jam out to that at work tomorrow.

Floorset week=Hell.

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anxious

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Andrew will be here Wednesday.

Excitement turned to worry turned to excitement turned to a bunch of emotions at once.

I would rather get burned by someone I do not live by then get burned by someone that I have a SICK addiction to seeing and having in my life.
This will help me break my pattern of talking, seeing him.
Maybe this is what I need to jump start me to completely stop talking to that asshole that has ALREADY fucked up his current relationship by feeding her lies.

He is a liar.

He is a bad guy, he will always do bad things and not use his head, but he will ALWAYS feel bad for what he does, because he may be a bad guy, but he does have a conscience.

I will enjoy my week with andrew, and I will have fun, and hopefully not get emotionally attached in a way that will never work.

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confused

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It is now or never.

It has hit a wall and I need to start getting over this situation, or get over him.

I still cannot tell you or even myself what I want to do.

I know what my heart wants, and my mind is telling me something different.

I have punished him so much for what he did to me, he is/was willing to put up with all of my shit for what he has put me through.

He is done and getting a boiling point of me blowing up.

I will admit, I have not tried to get over it.

I am harboring my anger and not trying to move past what he did to me.

My heart wants too, and wants to start making good memories with him again, then my head kicks in, 'what if he never moves back here...then you will be crushed times a million on top of the million already'

If I keep being angry I wont feel disappointed if he stays.

I am going to go with my heart, and if it kicks me in the ass, well then it does.

We live once.

I love it when random guys tell me I am beautiful.

Well, in a strange way.

for the second time this week a guy has passed me and said, "oh you are too beautiful to smoke, way too beautiful".

Yeah yeah I know.

I am quitting.

After this pack.

The Paul/whore drama has caused me to go on a cigarette diet.
I have lost 10 pounds in one month.

When I talk to him on the phone I feel the need to smoke and power walk around my neighborhood.

So 4 weeks of that and here I am, 10 pounds lighter.

I love he blocked her via myspace.

She is such a walking disease, in more than one way.

I get to see my boo soooooooooooooooooo soon!!
Hurry up Aug. 21st.

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contemplative

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This whore(ugh I know a bad word..but she IS.)
WILL NOT LET UP

She somehow found out Paul created a new myspace and messaged him being all dramatic style like she is.
What do you not understand about I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN?!

Why is he ANY of her business anymore...You were only friends! Move the fuck on with your life.

We are trying to move on with our lives, and her interrupting it again is not helping.

She is sooooooooooooooooo pathetic.

Yeah you found the real reason why he canceled his myspace in the first place.
He did not want me finding out about you and you kept posting shit on his page.

On another note, when he told me he made a new one, I told him we cannot be friends on there.

Turns out he semi stalks me online(facebook). He said he would always go to my page every time he logged in to see if something "funny" was going on.

But he said he needs to learn to not internet stalk me anymore, so I am giving him a trial basis of being my friend.

Other than that we are planning a Vegas trip.

I told him I need the promise of a diamond ring on my finger.

Which he has told me, many many many times.
If I can get over what he did to me, and we get back together, then thats it, he wants to marry me.
That it is me and him til the end.
I don't know why he keeps telling me this, I feel like it is motivation tool for me to try and forgive him and start healing.

He has been amazing about my healing process, he is giving me everything and anything I need to have this go as smoothly as it can..which is hard..it has been hard but having him here is making it easier.
He could have said, "fuck this its done work through your feelings by yourself"
but even though he did this horrid thing to me, he just wants to make everything better and he so badly wants me to be able to get over this.

I question if I can.

cheating..for 3 months...I want to get over this, I wish it never happened, he wished it never happened, every thing got so screwed up.

The best part ever,
He forgot her birthday.

He said he did not remember it was that day until she reminded him on text.

Yeah bitch..you guys were not dating if he doesnt even remember your birthday.

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bitchy

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You know what hurts the most out of all of this?!

That the home wrecking whore has the audacity to say they were in some kind of a relationship, that takes away from what Paul and I had for the last 3 months.

That is what makes me the most upset and for the first time I have really cried over this. It may have taken two weeks, but I let it out.

Paul has loved me and I loved him for the last 3 months, and the whore is taking away from that!!
Her fucked up perspective of what they were is causing me turmoil and fucking up my healing process and getting on track with Paul again.

I need to not care, and get over this to see if I would want to have Paul back in my life romantically.

Paul has admitted to me that all he and the whore were was friends with benefits, that he never once took her on a date, that he always told her that he did not want a relationship with her, that they were never going anywhere.

She knew ALL ABOUT ME.
And that paul and i were still dating and talking and seeing each other.

This whole situation makes me sick, and her being a psycho bitch is making it worse, SHE IS STILL MESSAGING HIM.
Why is she having such a hard time with this?!

SHE KNEW ALL ALONG IT WAS GOING NOWHERE AND THAT WE WERE STILL SOMETHING.

I am the one that had no idea who she was and what he was doing behind my back.
I am the one that is the victim, not her; she is just the "other girl".

Oh and she is 26....AND no guy has wanted to commit to her in the last 7 years.
Clearly...you have problems with spreading your legs for any guy hoping that they will want to settle with you.
No.
If it has not been working for the last 7 years of your life, maybe she should close her legs and try to win a guy over with herself and not her being easy.

Okay this has gone too far now.

That whore was trying to TRAP him in a relationship.

Too bad if something would have happened to that degree, he told me that he still never would have started dating her.
And he would have seen what I thought about all of it and where it stood with me if her evil psycho plan had worked.

Seriously...She is CRAZY.

First of all, he told me that she threatened him if he goes to bonnaroo with me; she is not talking to him anymore.
He told me without hesitation he knew he was going with me.
That he told her that, and she threw some kind of fit.

He thought he would never hear from her again which was fine by him. Then her pathetic self emailed him to say okay she doesn’t care.

Really it does not bother you that we had sex more times during those 4 days than you did throughout your entire friends with benefits thing..
He can’t keep his hands off me, he has such passion for me.
Seriously...she is CRAZY to think he EVER would have left me for her.

IF I EVER SEE THAT BITCH IN NASHVILLE I AM PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE.

And then she can get that nose job she oh so ever needs.

Paul says she is pathetic and every guy she spreads her legs for(which is apparently a lot) she thinks will fall in love with her and want to marry her. But of course she is such a whore no one would ever want to marry that.
Who would want to have kids from someone that looks like that anyway...

He says she is jealous of her sister(younger sister) that is already married.

And that she will probably be that 40 year old single woman with cats because no one is crazy enough to marry her.

I love that. Paul makes me smile.

Especially now that he is calling her, "the whore" because I refuse to hear her name anymore.

The cd of pictures she gave him has been thrown away, deleted from any places online, and his blankets will never be in my presence again.
Big boy sheets and comforter is going to be purchased.
And a new bed.
She is completely deleted from his life.
If I would have found out he was cheating earlier it would have been over earlier.

After hearing all of these things about her I know she is just pathetic and desperate for love. How sad. Maybe if she was not such an ugly person inside and out she could find it.
But she is doomed to being old crazy lady with cats because she spreads her legs for anyone.

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cheerful

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I am so glad I have both of my ovaries.

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content

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This weekend has been from HELL.

I cannot believe he has been cheating on me, STUNNED.

I did not get to talk to him until Friday afternoon finally.
His phone died but thankfully his roommate let him borrow his.

He thought I was going to be furious, and yell and scream and cry, I was just shocked and disgusted.
I told him he could NEVER see or talk to that whore again or else there is no chance I will ever take him back.
Without hesitation he said, okay.

Throughout this whole ordeal he has calmed me, answered any questions I have, admitted it was cheating and lying and how much he wishes he never met her.
I think I would be MORE upset if he took her on a date, which he never did.
Everything they did was friends thing. and it was never a relationship, only friends with benefits.
His parents have no idea who she is/he has not told them about her.
he said if his mom found out she would slap him.
NONE of his friends from back home know either, she is just this one big secret.

He also told me that even if I said there was no chance for us, he would NEVER date her anyway.
She is crazy.

I got to talk to him friday afternoon, and night while fireworks were going off..literally on both ends.
He said she read my latest blog and called Rubin BAWLING. hahaha fucking whore.
He said he did not talk to her though, only me that night.
We talked again on Saturday and that made me feel even more calm.
Especially knowing this whore's 4th of July weekend was ruined and she was bawling hysterically because she realized it was never a relationship, only friends with benefits and everything was in her head.
That he would of NEVER left me for her(trust me if you see her you would know why she is so not-attractive).

Right when his phone was charged on Sunday he called me, we talked for a long time, I dont even remember what.
Everything.
Then he had to call the whore to get it over with, I was on 3-way listening in.
Thank goodness she did not deserve an in person, she does not deserve it.

I was in an AMAZING mood after hearing that conversation.

She is busted for trying to steal my man.
She should learn to close her legs around other peoples guys.

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loved

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So News Years was pretty amazing.

I got to spend it with my wonderful boyfriend, and my best friend and her boyfriend.
Kissing the one you love at midnight is kind of amazing.

Paul and I bought Champagne to have at midnight, and I think we mixed too many types of alcoholic beverages, but it was still amazing.

I would of not wanted to be anywhere else but there.

My birthday was also amazing, even if I was away from my man, he text messaged me right at midnight.

When I came back into town he took me out to dinner for it, and he got me the GREATEST gift ever!!! Matchbox Twenty tickets!
Oh my love, I love thee.

He also got me a mug so I can take my hot coco to work(and raspberry hot coco) because we love trying out all of the different flavors.
His mom got me a little something and a card too.

I am blessed to have an amazing boyfriend that is so thoughtful :)

Rilo Kiley All The Good That Wont Come Out(Live)

Has been on repeat.
I think I am on time number 12 or so.

Every thing is amazing
amazing boyfriend
Amazing job
Amazing internship for this fall
Amazing plans for this fall
Amazing friend moving oh so near me soon

Every thing is looking up and up yet I am falling down and I cannot grasp the happiness of it all because of one aching pain that will not go away and gets worse with time.

Time never heals wounds.

I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street.
You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right.

It is getting so serious I do not know what to do with myself.
Plans have been made for Texas trip
He is coming with me.
Then going on to Florida to see his friend.

Today I broke down and expressed my fears of not trusting him there and when all is said and done, he promised it is not going to be like last time, he is not going to do anything with anyone.
I know how girls are.
He swears he would not ruin what we have and has no desire to be with anyone else but me.

I want to believe him oh so bad, and I trust him here in Chicago with me, and when he is back home in Indiana but Florida is a whole different situation.
I told him if we get past this then I will always fully trust him.

He told me that he fully trusts me right now, and that scares him, and if I do anything in Houston when he is in FL it will break his heart and his trust in girls.

I hate being without him, I feel incomplete and I already go through life feeling incomplete without her on a daily basis, without him the pain is worse.

When did this happen.

Things have been pretty amazing here.

Minus waking up at 5am for work everyday last week.

This week though, I get to wake up at 330am for work.
Seriously.
Oh floor set changes, how I love thee.
Working for 10.00 an hour...I think I need a raise for this shit.

I will have seen Paul everyday for 8 days straight ending Saturday.

He is coming back tonight and staying until Thursday which will be nice, and by the time I get out of work by noon he will hopefully be up and ready when I get home.
Coffee will be my best friend.
I am making him dinner tonight of this chicken recipe Allie gave me so hoping it goes well, because I am not a cooker.

Tomorrow is going to be fun, Sophia is having her birthday party at her house, keg and BBQ. Paul is my date of course.

Camping / floating the river was amazing
I really liked his friend Beth and she really liked me too, so thats always good!
We got to Terra Haute close to midnight after a few field adventures(oh i love we cant take a 2 1/2 hour drive without wanting to pull over and tear into each other) and crashed in bed, then woke up early to go.
They grilled burgers after and they were so amazing.
We camped out and watched the office DVD's on my laptop
good times.

( Falling in love is so hard on the knees )

It was all coming crashing down on Saturday
because of my pride.

Thankfully he swallowed his and we ended up together on Saturday.

over a span of 4 days we had 3 "serious" talks

After the first one and him opening up I knew, this is it

For the first time in 4 years I am in love

Jamie has come and gone

le sigh

Amazing visit that went by way way too fast.

I cannot believe it is over all ready!

Good times and random moments were had
Chicago Blues Festival
Cubs vs. Astros Game
Hitting the Bar
Chicago Style Pizza
Walking around Chicago
Dueling Piano Bar
Lake Michigan
Hereos Marathon
Designer Convention
Sudoku Competitions

So much was done in so little time



( You know what I want and it ain't what I need )

Last night Paul and I for the first time ever talked about our feelings for each other.
every time i am with him it is this overpowering feeling of how much I like him
These feelings are running deep and it is starting to scare me

he said he would come with me to texas in aug.

he is starting to trust me, and i really need to not do anything to make that trust go away

I dont even know what all to say about it, he is scared of getting hurt, and i am scared of getting hurt so we hold off and act reserved, no one wants to make the first move.